The Effects of Divorce

The end of the semester is drawing nigh and this may possibly be the final post. I may perhaps post other family insights in the future though.

Divorce affects families and friends. It is a life changing experience and is a huge stress is the life of the children. There are many complications that come with divorce. Custody of the children can be difficult, the cost of divorce, etc.

The custody of the children is a huge stress. The children often travel between their mother’s home and their father’s home. If the parents show resentment for each other this carries over to the children and they often act as unintentional messengers of what the other parents says about each other. We children see their parents not calm and not getting along with each other (divorced or married) it act negatively on them. I often feel sad for those children that fall victims to the effects of divorce.

The cost of divorce is just something that I didn’t realize until it was pointed out to me. If the mother has custody of the children, the father has to pay child support to help support the children. This is huge expense to the father who has to pay for his own housing and living along with paying extra on child support. In a married family when the father provides for his family he is providing for himself. When the costs of himself and his children are separated it is more costly. Also, something to bring to mind is the average initial cost of divorce is $25,000 then over the next five years that turns in $100,000. This happens mostly because of child support and legal costs.

As you can see, it would be beneficial to never divorce, but to work it out. There are those situations in which it is dangerous and life threatening to stay together, then it would be possible to divorce, but those instances should rarely occur.

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Parenting

I remember my own parents and how much they mean to me. I love them so much and they way they raised me. They taught me valuable lessons and helped me develop valuable traits that will follow me through the rest of my life.

Parenting is a factor and determinate of your life. There are other bigger factors in life, but parenting shall suffice for this moment. By my description of my own parents setting me on the right path illustrates the importance of good parenting.

In a broad scheme of things there are four broad categories of parents. I will describe each in terms of comfort and rules. We each need these for healthy development. The four parenting styles are:

Authoritarian Parents: They have lots of rules and show no comfort to their children. They are strict and structured.

Authoritative Parents: These kind of parents offer rules and comfort. The rules are structured yet flexible. The children know they love them and want the best by setting rules.

Permissive Parents: These parents have no rules, yet offer lots of comfort. They lack strength and comfort.

Neglectful Parents: These parents offer no rules or comfort. There is no structure. They don’t mind to their children’s needs and often aren’t present in the children’s life.

As you can tell, the authoritative parent is the kind of parent you want to be. But we each have different tendencies and are more like other styles. It is possible to change.

Fatherhood and Finances

Fatherhood is way important to me. Someday I am going to be a father and I want to be the best father that I could be. I want to teach my future children how to work hard and to be kind and loving. To help them develop a righteous character is a key goal I have in my life. In order to do this, I need to be involved in their lives. Have a good relationship with them.

Regarding finances, the reason that I put finances in with fatherhood is because the husband and wife do the finances together and also the father is the provider for the home. One way to have a happy family is to not argue over financial matters. Develop a budget together that meets financial needs and obligations. Then follow through with it. Don’t get in debt for things that are needless. Some items that are allowable to get in debt for is a house, car and education. Working together on finances with my wife has given me the opportunity to counsel with her concerning these matters and others.

Communication in the Family

The advice that the majority of people give to a newly married couple has to with communication. Why is this? It is because communication is one of the important aspects of a good marriage. It is not the only thing though.

Have you ever wondered how much our words have to do with communication? Only 14% of our communication has to do with what we say. 35% is tone and 51% is Nonverbal, which is body language, eye contact, posture, etc. Those percentages are surprising. They were found by doing research.

In order to have excellent communication in your marriage you both need to be on the same page. There should be no assumptions. Say things out straight to each other, express love, and counsel together with each other. These are a few bits of advice.

Family Crisis

Everyone has experienced a crisis at least once in their life. Crisis can be defined as danger with opportunity. Most of us understand the concept of crisis and danger. But we don’t always recognize the opportunity part of it. Have you ever seen the situation where after a huge crisis, everyone came together and got closer. That’s opportunity, without the crisis the opportunity to grow closer would not of happened. An example of this is the 9/11 attack. After that huge crisis the nation at a whole came closer together.

There are ways to cope when a crisis occurs. The best way is to face that the crisis happened, to go through the coping process, and to look to the future. However, people are people and sometimes do the bad ways to cope. These are:

Denial, which is not wanting to talk about the crisis or every acknowledge that it happened.

Avoidance, which is avoiding the coping process, not wanting to talk about it.

Scapegoating, which is putting the blame on others, which the others are the scapegoat.

Substance Abuse, which is self explanatory. The use of alcohol, marijuana, and other drugs to cope.

I hope that by making people aware of these negative ways of coping that they will not do them. We each need to be mindful of ourselves and others when dealing with crisis and life in in general.

Fidelity

When most of us think of fidelity we think of it in the context of marriage. Fidelity is when there is harmony between what is reality and what is actually occurring. Fidelity can also be applied to different situations. For example, it can be applied to music and pictures.

In music, fidelity means there is harmony between the sound and what is being recorded. In record players, there was high fidelity. What you heard on the record player was what actually happened. Music nowadays, doesn’t have high fidelity, it is digitized and cleanup up. You don’t hear the scoot of the chair or the breathing of the person playing the instrument.

In pictures, there can be fidelity. High fidelity in a picture is when what the picture is a picture of looks closely similar to the actual picture. That you almost can’t tell the difference between the picture and the actual thing.

Fidelity in marriage is when a man and a women are very close. They can have emotional fidelity, sexual fidelity and others. These are the two that I wanted to focus on. I want to be close to my wife emotionally. I want to have things between us that nobody else knows. Sexual fidelity is self explanatory. It is the main thing we think of when we think of fidelity in marriage. There needs to be sexual relations only between me and my wife and nobody else. With someone else would be breaking the law of chastity, a sin.

I wouldn’t feel secure around my wife I we didn’t have fidelity. We have a very close relationship because of it.

Four different kinds of love (according to the Greeks)

One week in Family Relations class we discussed the topic of love. Our professor pointed out that according to the Greeks there are four different kinds of love. There are storge, philia, eros, and agape. Each meant a different kind of love.

Storge is the kind of affection between parents and their children. I’m not a parent yet, but I can imagine that there is a bond of affection between parent and child. Any child can be loved by his parents.

Phlia is the kind of love that is between friends. It is the love in a friendship. This is the highest form of love. Friends have a close relationship. The are emotionally intimate. Sharing secrets and most things they have.

Eros is the passionate, erotic love between a man and a women. It is the desire to be sexually intimate with a particular person whom you love. It’s not just the desire, but the desire to be with that particular person.

Agape is the unconditional love. It is independent of a person’s feeling for one another, no matter what they have done. This love can also be described as the Christ-like love. It is closely related to storge love.

The kind of love that I want in my own marriage is all of them. I want to love my wife unconditionally. I want to be passionate with her. I want us to be best friends and do everything together.